“So You Love an Alcoholic” were the first words I noticed in a stack of pamphlets at my first Al-Anon meeting (a support group for friends and family of alcoholics similar to Alcoholic’s Anonymous). And I did love an alcoholic and I was at this meeting for a reason, my recovering alcoholic was revealing the negative characteristics that come with addiction.
Our relationship started out strong. And I believed it gained strength so quickly because my partner had to be very open about his alcoholism, his path to recovery, and the baggage that comes with being an addict. We moved forward quickly, got engaged, and started planning our future.
Upon learning of his alcoholism I began to familiarize myself with the 12 steps and other literature of AA. But what I didn’t learn at that time was the alcoholic tendencies that could be present in recovery, especially in times of great stress.
Not long after we were engaged the stress hit. We both started new jobs and he started school for the first time since being in the military. I expected things to be difficult but I was not prepared for what would happen. My partner essentially became a dry drunk. He was carrying many of the tale tell signs of alcoholism… just without the alcohol. All of a sudden the caring, thoughtful, responsible man I had fallen in love with was neglectful, manipulative, and irresponsible. Half the time I didn’t know where he was until the wee hours of the morning and he was perpetually distraught and exhausted. I got rare glimpses of the man I thought I knew in those months.
His excuses did revolve around the intensity of his stress and trying to manage his sobriety… “I was talking with my sponsor.” “I just went for a drive to think and fell asleep in the car.” and so on. Because I knew the intensity of his current situation I tried to be patient while communicating that there were lines of mistreatment he was crossing. What I didn’t know at that moment was the tendency of addicts to be perpetual liars.
Lying is a way addicts are able to survive in society. It preserves their addiction and helps them avoid confrontation and the root issues of their addiction. I was unaware of how readily this habit seeps into the life of a recovering addict as well.
After months of ups and downs the lies were finally uncovered. All those late nights and times away were not him dealing with his issues… he was cheating (got caught, but still won’t admit it). I also soon discovered that the dates he gave me regarding his previous marriage and divorce… also lies. Within his first few months of sobriety he had started a new relationship and got married. If you know anything about AA, it is highly, highly, suggested that you do not start any new romantic relationships within the first year of sobriety. As you might expect, this marriage was short lived and he started dating me about 3 months after their separation. And now he is with the girl with whom he cheated on me. When I saw the truth and how he was jumping from one relationship to another I realized I was the 13th step.
In my recent research on alcoholism and recovery I have discovered that it is common for recovering addicts to find their new high in falling in love, deception, and sex rather than substances. There were several articles that referred to this replacement addiction as the 13th step… one step too far in the effective 12 step program. I was a replacement addiction. That isn’t to say he didn’t truly love me before the infidelity but he loved the fact that I was a comfort to his pain more than he loved me. And as soon as he realized that a relationship, no matter how loving his partner was, wouldn’t fix the deeply buried issues inside, he had to find a new high, a new lover.
Addicts are people with deep pain. Pain they try so desperately to avoid. The problem is the more they box the pain and issues away to be dealt with another day the more it accumulates and true healing will never take place. Freedom from addiction will become more and more difficult until they embrace the pain that is required to heal. Forgiving him for how he hurt me has been difficult, but it is my desire that one day my ex-fiancé will embrace the pain and find true sobriety, recovery, and healing.
My last thought goes to those of you who love an addict. Loving an addict can be very rewarding; they have the potential to be the most caring and insightful partners. But loving them does not bring their healing. They are responsible for their own recovery and if they let you support them and stand by their side in the process BE THERE! If they reject your love and support, LET THEM GO! The biggest act of love is sometimes saying goodbye, because otherwise they may never deal with the pain and find the healing that brings true recovery.